Don't Forget "Human Speedbump," "Waste Of Oxygen" and "The Guy Who Makes The Airbags Deploy In My TV Set"

I'd really like to lock this guy in a room with Jim Carville for three days if it didn't have the potential to make his head implode.

Alan Colmes has been called an on-air punching bag, a runt, wishy-washy, a milquetoast and -- this one must really hurt -- a conservative at heart.

And these words are from people who usually agree with him.

As Fox News Channel's resident liberal and half of "Hannity & Colmes," Colmes must feel a kinship with Internal Revenue Service auditors, process servers or telemarketers.

"People say to me, `Why don't you fight fire with fire?"' he said. "You fight fire with water, not fire."

His liberal critics question Colmes' political commitment and demeanor, and suggest he's fighting a rigged battle.

FAIR has likened Colmes to the Washington Generals, the hapless basketball team hired to lose to the Harlem Globetrotters every night.

"Hannity gives no quarter," said Steve Rendall, a FAIR analyst. "Colmes is often giving points when he should be fighting. When the chips are down, Colmes often concedes."