Thursday, March 25

Memo From The Home Office In San Antonio

From: Clear Channel Broadcasting; The FCC
To: Everyone in America
Re: Unacceptable Words and Phrases

Please refrain from using the following words, either on the air or in normal conversation.

To be affy. To be blotty. To be mustard. To be on blob. To be constitutionally inclined to gallantry. To be dripping for it. To feel fuzzy. To feel hairy. To be het up. To be hot and bothered. To be hot assed. To be hot blooded. To be hot in the biscuit. To be hunky. To be in season. To be in the mood. To have itchy pants. To be juicy. To be mashed. To be on for one's greens. To have peas in the pot. To be primed. To be proud. To be randy. To be ranting. To be rooty. To be rusty. To be touchable. To be turned on. To be wet. The apple dumpling shop. Babaloos. Baby pillows. Balloons. Bazongas. Bazooms. Bee bites. Begonias. Big brown eyes. Bodacious tatas. Boobies. Boobs. Boulders. Bouncers. Bra busters. Bubbies. Bulbs. Bumpers. Butter bags. Charlies. Charms. Chestnuts. Cream jugs. Cupcakes. Dairies. Dinner. Droopies. Eyes. Feeding bottles. Fried eggs. Garbanzos. Gazongas. Globes. Grapefruits. Grapes. Handwarmers. Headlights. Honeydew melons. Hooters. Jelly on springs. Jugs. Kajoobies. Kettledrums. Knockers. Lemons. Love bubbles. Lungs. Lung warts. Maracas. Marshmallows. Melons. Milk bottles. The Milky Way. Mosquito bites. Mountains. Muffins. Murphies. Oranges. Pantry shelves. Peaches. The playground. Superdroopers. Swingers. Teacups. Tonsils. Torpedoes. The treasure chest. Tremblers. Twin lovelinesss. The twins. The udders. The upper deck. The upper works. Warts. Watermelons. Ass opener. Baby maker. Bald-headed hermit. Baloney pony. Banana. Battering ram. Bean tosser. Beef bayonet. Best leg of three. Bishop. Blow torch. Bone. Boy. Broom handle. Bug fucker. Bum tickler. Burrito. Bush beater. Bushwhacker. Candle. Carrot. Cherry picker. Club. Coral branch. Crack hunter. Creamstick. Crimson Chitterling. Crotch cobra. Cucumber. Dangling participle. Dart of love. Ding dong. Dingus. Dipstick. Divining rod. Dong. Donkey. Dork. Dragon. Dribbling dart of love. Drumstick. Eel. Eye opener. Foaming beef probe. Fool sticker. Frankfurter. Gardener. Giggle stick. Girl-o-meter. Gooser. Goose's neck. Gravy maker. Grinding tool. Gun. Hair splitter. Hammer. Hanging Johnny. Holy poker. Honeypot cleaver. Horn. Hose. Irish root. Jack-in-the-box. Jiggling bone. Joy stick. Kidney scraper. Kosher pickle. A ladies' delight. Lance of love. Licorice stick. Life preserver. Live sausage. Lizard. Lobster. Love dart. Love muscle. Love pump. Love sausage. Lung disturber. Magic wand. Master of ceremonies. Matrimonial peacemaker. Maypole. Meat whistle. Middle leg. Milkman. Mr Happy. Muscle of love. Mutton dagger. Nag. Needle. Nine inch knocker. Old slimy. Our one-eyed brother. One-eyed milkman. One-eyed monster. One-eyed pants mouse. One-eyed trouser snake. One-eyed wonder. One-eyed worm. One-eyed zipper snake. Peacemaker. Pee-Wee. Pen. Pencil. Piccolo. Pile driver. Pilgrim's staff. Pink oboe. Pioneer of nature. Pipe. Pisser. Pistol. Plug. Plunger. Pointer. Poker. Pole. Pork sword. Prong. Pump handle. Quim wedge. Ram. Rammer. Ramrod. Raw meat. Reamer. Red hot poker. Rod of love. Rolling pin. Rooster. Root. Roto-rooter. Rumpleforeskin. Rump splitter. Saint Peter. Sceptre. Schlong. Schvontz. Schween. Screwdriver. Serpent. Shaft of cupid. Short arm. Silent flute. Skin flute. Small arm. Snake. Spigot. Split-ass mechanic. Staff. Stallion. Star gazer. Stick. Stretcher. Stump. Sugar stick. Sweet meat. Swizzle stick. Sword. Tail pipe. Tally whacker. Tent peg. Thingamabob. Third leg. Thumb of love. Ticker. Tool. Torch of cupid. Toy. Trigger. Tube. Tube steak. Tummy banana. Uncle Dick. Wand. Wang. Water spout. Wazoo. Weapon. Wedge. Weenie. Whacker. Whang. Whang bone. Whanger. Whip. Whistle. Whore pipe. Worm. Wriggling pole. Yum-yum. Zubrick. Allsbay. Apples. Bangers. Baubles. Beecham's pills. Berries. Bird's eggs. Booboos. Bullets. Bum balls. Buttons. Cannon balls. Charlies. Chestnuts. Clangers. Clappers. Clock weights. Coffee stalls. Cojones. Crystals. Cubes. Danglers. Diamonds. Dodads. Dohickeys. Family jewels. Frick and frack. Gooseberries. Jingleberries. Knockers. Love apples. Male mules. Marbles. Marshmallows. Mountain Oysters. Niagra Falls. Nicknacks. Nutmegs. Nuts. Orchestra stalls. Oysters. Pebbles. Plums. Rocks. Seeds. Spunk holders. Stones. Swingers. Tallywags. Testimonials. The twins. Vitals. Whirlygigs. The bazooka. A bit of hard. A bit of stiff. The bone. A boner. Captain Standish. The cockstand. Colleen Bawn. Crack a fat. The cunt stretcher. Fixed bayonets. A full. The golden rivet. A hard-on. The horn. In one's best clothes. In one's Sunday best. An Irish toothache. Jack. A lance at rest. The Marquess of Lorn. Morning pride. Old Hornington. Old horny. Be on thestand. Be piss proud. Be proud below the navel. The rail. The ramrod. The reamer. To rise in one's Levi's. The roaring horn. Roaring Jack. The rock python. The spike. The stalk. The standard. The standing member. Standingware. Stiff and stout. A stiff one. Stiffy. A toothache. A wood. A woody. Ball off. Beat off. Beat your hog. Beat the bishop. Beat the dummy. Beat the meat. Beat the pup. Belt your hog. The blanket drill. Bop the baloney. Box the Jesuit. Bring down by hand. Chicken milking. Choke the chicken. Coax the cajones. Cuff your governor. Diddle yourself. Do paw-paw tricks. Dong flogging. Fight your turkey. Fist fuck. Five against one. Flog yourself. Flog your log. Flong your dong. Fondle your fig. Frig yourself. Fuck Mary Fist. Gallop your antelope. Get a hold of yourself. Get your nuts off. Gherkin jerking. Grip it. Hand jive. A hand job. Handle yourself. Jack off. Jag off. Jazz yourself. Jerk off. Jerk your gherkin. Keep the census down. Lizard milking. Manipulate your mango. Manual exercise. Manual pollution. Milk the lizard. The one-legged race. Paddle the pickle. Play with yourself. Plunk your twanger. The Portuguese pump. Pound off. Pound your pomegranate. Pond your pud. Pound the meat. Prod the peepee. Pull yourself off. Pull your pud. Pull your pudding. Pull your wire. Pump your pickle. Pump your python. Rub off. Shag off. She-bop. Shower spank. Simple infanticide. Sling your jelly. Sling your juice. Snap the rubber. Snap the whip. A soldier's joy. The solitary sin. Spank yourself. Squeeze the lemon. Stroke yourself. Stroke the lizard. Strum your clitty. Take yourself in hand. Tickle your crack. Tickle your pickle. Toss off. Twang your wire. Wank off. Whack off. Whack the bishop. Whang off. Whank off. Whip off. Whip the dummy. Whip your wire. Work off. Work off. Yank off. Yank your strap. Yank your yam. Adam and Eve it. Be in a woman's beef. Be up to one's balls. Beat someone up with an ugly stick. Boink someone. Bone someone. Bop someone. Bump bellies. Bunny fuck. Bury the weenie. Buzz the brillo. Cream someone. Dance the buttock jig. Dance the matrimonial polka. Dance the mattress jig. Dip your wick. Do a bit of front door action. Do a dicky dick. Do a dive in the dark. Do a four-legged frolic. Do a grumble and grunt. Do a lewd infusion. Do boom-boom. Do dirty work at the crossroads. Do horizontal exercises. Do some ladies' tailoring. Do some nose painting. Do some rump work. Do some twat raking. Do target practice. Do the act of darkness. Do the bone dance. Do the chores. Do the featherbed jig. Do the horizontal hula. Do the naughty. Do the ugly. Drive home. Eat cauliflower. Eat hymeneal sweets. Enjoy a flesh session. Exchange spit. Fan someone. Feed the dummy. Fit end to end. Fix her plumbing. Flop in the hay. Get a belly full of marrow pudding. Get a pair of balls against your butt. Get a shove in your blind eye. Get into someone's pants. Get jack in the orchard. Get oats from someone. Get your ashes hauled. Get your chimney swept out. Get your end wet. Get your hair cut. Get your leather stretched. Get your nuts cracked. Get your oil changed. Give a hole to hide in. Give a woman a shot. Give hard for soft. Give her a hosing. Give her a pat. Give her the business. Give juice for jelly. Give pussy a taste of cream. Give someone a stab. Give someone the works. Give the dog a bone. Go bed-pressing. Go belly-to-belly. Go fishing. Go like a belt-fed motor. Go like a rat up a drainpipe. Go like a rat up a rhododendron. Go on bush patrol. Go rump-splitting. Go star-gazing on your back. Go to town. Go to work with someone. Goose someone. Grease the wheel. Grind your tool. Hammer someone. Haul your ashes. Have a bit of curly greens. Have a bit of fish. Have a bit of fun. Have a bit of giblet pie. Have a bit of pork. Have a bit of skirt. Have a bit of split mutton. Have a bit of sugar stick. Have a bit of summer cabbage. Have a bit of the cramstick. Have a blanket drill. Have a bun in the oven. Have a hot roll with cream. Have a joy ride. Have a lady feast. Have a navel engagement. Have a nooner. Have a northwest cocktail. Have a piece of tail. Have a poke. Have a roll in the hay. Have a squeeze and a squirt. Have a turn on your back. Have gin on the rocks. Have hot pudding for supper. Have live sausage for supper. Hide the salami. Hide the sausage. Horizontalize. Hose someone. Hump someone. Impale someone. Introduce Charlie. Invade someone. Jab someone. Jiggle someone. Join paunches. Juice someone. Jump on someone's bones. Lay some pipe. Lie feet up. Lift a leg on someone. Light the lamp. Look at the ceiling over a man's shoulder. Lose the match and pocket the stake. Lubricate someone. Make baskets. Make ends meet. Make feet for children's shoes. Make her grunt. Mingle bloods. Mingle limbs. Mix your peanut butter. Mount someone. Nail someone. Nail two bellies together. Nibble someone. Open up to someone. Parallel park. Peel your best end. Phallicize someone. Plant a man. Play at in-and-out Play at tops-and- bottoms. Play cars and garages. Play doctor. Play hide the weenie. Play hospital. Play night baseball. Play on the hair court. Play pickle-me, tickle-me. Play the first game ever played. Play the organ. Play the trombone. Play tiddlywinks. Plow someone. Plug someone. Poke someone. Pop it in. Pork someone. Post a letter. Pound someone. Pray with the knees upward. Pump someone. Put four quarters on the spit. Put the bee in the hive. Put the boots to someone. Put the devil into Hell. Ram someone. Ride someone. Ride the hobby horse. Roller skate. Rub bacons. Sacrifice to Venus. Saw off a chunk. Screw someone. Shake a skin coat. Shake the sheets. Shoot between wind and water. Shoot your wad. Schtupp someone. Sink it in. Sink the soldier. Slam someone. Slip someone the hot beef injection. Smoke someone. Spear the bearded clam. Split someone. Stab a woman in the thigh. Stain someone. Stretch leather. Suck the sugar-stick. Take a belly-ride. Take a trip up the Rhine. Take a turn in the stubble. Take a turn on Shooter's Hill. Take Nebuchadnezzar out to grass. Take the starch out of someone. Taste someone. Tear off a piece. Tell a bedtime story. Thread the needle. Throw a leg over. Tie the true lover's knot. Trade a bit of hard for a bit of soft. Trim the buff. Trot out your pussy. Varnish your cane. Wank someone. Wet your bottom. Wet your wick. Whitewash someone. Wind up your clock. Work out. Work the hairy oracle. Wriggle navels. Yield your favors. Zig-zag someone.

Have this list committed to memory by Monday. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

-Lowry Mays
Chairman and CEO, Clear Channel Broadcasting
-Michael Powell
Chairman and CEO, Federal Communications Commission